31 Days of Sobriety: Week 4

Sobriety: Because we can't all be genius cartoon characters with bionic implants.

I mentioned back in my "Week 1" post that I felt mentally clearer, that I had begun to experience less mental "fog" than usual, following my hiatus from drinking. It's gotten to the next level now.

My mood is way more stable. It's easy to think clearly, and I get irritated and frustrated less frequently. I'm finding myself less distracted in general, which allows me to enjoy things like a cool sunset or nice weather. I spend less time in my head and more time in the present.

To be honest, although I still miss beer, wine and liquor, I feel better than I have in years. If I were to more specifically describe how I feel, I'd say this...I feel like my "old self."

I didn't really drink at all in high school. I'd had maybe a couple furtive beers here and there, but never more than one or two in a sitting, and only on two occasions before I left home for college.

I went to a small liberal arts college that has a unique philosophy on drinking. Basically, the school acknowledged that, like it or not, drinking is a huge part of college culture. Therefore, instead of banning it outright and harshly punishing those underage who were caught in the audacious act of holding a can of Miller High Life, the school told me this in my first week at college: "If you're here, you're most likely over 18, in which case, you're legally an adult. You will be given the opportunity, therefore, to act like an adult. In other words, you are permitted to drink socially, and in moderation, if you so choose, even if you are under 21. It is on you, therefore, to look out for not only yourself, but your friends - because if someone underage goes too far and someone gets hurt as a result, there will be consequences...for everyone."

It was an effective strategy, at least in the time that I was there. I did have a night or two when I, not knowing my limits, went a bit too far. However, I learned valuable lessons about how much cheap vodka is too much, why you shouldn't drink it neat out of a Medieval Times goblet, and why you shouldn't go back and forth between rum and vodka, then gross homemade sangria that somebody brought to the party, for which they charged $3 a cup.

I had a lot of fun in college, and although I learned how to moderate long before I graduated, I unfortunately also learned how easy it is to get drunk more often when you don't have homework assignments to worry about.

Especially when, immediately after college, you find yourself working a dead-end entry-level job because your country's economy is in a recession, and the state you live in happens to be very much a "Right to Work" state.

Brain cells make one capable of perceiving reality, including the really shitty parts of reality. Therefore, kill your brain cells.
(Don't actually)

Before all that happened, I was a very different person. I was young (I still am, of course, but I was younger); I was less experienced, I was less focused, and I didn't know myself as well as I do now. I did have one thing going for me, though: I was sober, and so my existence was, if nothing else, clean and clear.

Now I know who I am. I know what I want out of life and how I'm going to get it, and as an added bonus, I feel as good as I did when I was 18, back when the most harmful thing I regularly did to myself was stay up a bit too late at night. I now have the energy and vigor of a younger me, combined with the wisdom and drive of a more mature version of me.

I feel like this experiment has, in a way, been like a hard reset on life. I'm in my last 8 days now, but I've managed to re-assess relationships, career goals, and daily routines in ways I wouldn't have managed without a totally clear head. I feel like I'm at the beginning of a new phase of life.

I've been going through the process of transition for over almost two years now, but I finally have the mental clarity and inner peace to truly begin changing my life for the better. I feel like I've been stumbling a bit for awhile now, but this sobriety experiment was the last thing that needed to happen.

I'm not a recent college grad anymore; I'm a 27-year-old cis-male who wants to do awesome things with the time he's got, and now, I've been sober long enough to set myself on the path to making those things happen.

This will be my last week, and weekend, of total sobriety. I admit, I have a feeling that the real challenge is going to be letting myself enjoy alcohol again; I don't want to lose the ability to enjoy weekends and evenings without it, especially for extended periods, but since it really is a part of life that I enjoy, I'll have to learn to moderate like never before. That will take time, and sometimes it'll be hard, but I'm ready for it.